Britain has stuck Apple's iPhone in its top ten list of greatest inventions ever, alongside the wheel, penicillin and the flushing toilet. We think they're spot on, and we'll tell you why.
The survey was carried out by Tesco Mobile, with 4,000 consumers grilled on their favourite inventions of all time. The iPhone rated only number eight in the survey. We are sure it is an uncanny coincidence that Tesco Mobile is by far the biggest vendor of the iPhone in the UK. Here is the list, in descending order, and why the iPhone deserved to beat the other top 10s:
10. Combustion Engine
The iPhone is better than the combustion engine because unlike Dell laptops it rarely combusts. However, the iPhone is so multi functional that if you wanted it to serve as a combustion engine you could, simply by packing plastic explosives around its sleek, impeccably designed frame.
9. Flushing Toilet
While it's great to be able to go for number one or number two and to not have to worry about repercussions, flushing toilets are not very portable. When compared to the iPhone, the flushing toilet has no chance in the portability test. Sure, there's the port-a-potty, but these are prone to being pushed over by rowdy festival-goers. If you push over an iPhone it is of little consequence.
Even the iPhone is better than the iPhone. Ask anyone about the iPhone 3G compared to the iPhone 3GS and they'll tell you it's bloody obvious which one you should shell out for, you cretin. Or you could wait for the iPhone 4G which is going to be even better and would probably have reached number one on the list. As it stands the iPhone 4G is only available to Gizmodo editors, the police and suicidal employees.
Sure, Penicillin antibiotics are a fantastic discovery. But just take a look at its molecular structure.
It's hardly the sort of thing you'd want to be seen taking out of your pocket at a trendy wine bar, or looking at on the tube, is it? Compared to the iPhone it is woefully behind the times.
The fact that the telephone beats the iPhone is preposterous - on your average telephone there's barely nothing you can do for fun except for recording answer machine messages and checking the talking clock by dialling '123'. The iPhone has a clock as default and you can even do things like use a calculator on it, signalling an end to the clunky and hard-to-carry abacus/telephone combo.
PCs crash. They're heavy. You can't fit them in your pocket and they get viruses. Maybe they were cool twenty years ago but these days there's absolutely no reason for them to be on the list. You might say, without the invention of the PC, there would be no iPhone today. That's poppycock: Apple has been making Macs for years now, which are definitely not PCs.
All the internet has ever been good for is technology news sites, like this one. Otherwise it is a depraved hub of pornography, violence and ill-informed opinions. The iPhone is changing that, with an app filter to make sure we'll never see any women in bikinis on our screenies ever again. Fingers crossed in five to ten years it'll be the internet no more, but the iNternet.
3. Light bulb
The light bulb is the thing that hovers over your head when you get an iDea. The most important hovering lightbulb is the one that appeared above Steve Jobs' head when he thought: "You know what phones need? They need racing games, and they need music, and buttons are a terrible idea, and we need to charge a lot for each one so we can make a lot of money." All other lightbulbs past, present, or - may I be presumptuous for a moment - future, are redundant.
Aeroplanes are horribly damaging to the climate of our beautiful earth. iPhones by contrast are not at all - all iPhone manufacturing plants are green to the core and all iPhones sold are locally sourced by very clever farmers.
A simple whittling down of the iPhone chassis will make something somewhat resembling a wheel in both appearance and functionality. Besides, there's absolutely nothing stopping Jobs from designing and commissioning a giant iPhone in the shape of a circle which could both serve as a wheel and a telephony device for calling the AA if your vehicle breaks down, and that would be much better than a simple wheel.
It pips other inventions to the post such as the clothes peg, the hair dryer, the lawnmower, chairs, nappies, power steering and matches. Who needs matches anyway? There's an app for that.