A new survey by dating site OKCupid has revealed what the world already knows – the more you use Twitter the less successful your relationships are and the more likely you are to have masturbated today.
It is the fun way you can play with statistics. OKCupid came to its conclusions by combining survey question results with what they've learned from their users' activities and looked for patterns.
One of those patterns shows that frequent Twitter users appear to have shorter relationships and masturbate more.
It is based on OKCupid's information from 833,987 of its users. It looked at relationship length patterns first.
An 18-year-old individual's average relationship lasts about nine months if he or she is prone to using Twitter daily or about nine-and-a-half months if he or she isn't a regular Twitter user. As you get older, the use of Twitter can knock up to two months off your relationship.
Statistically this does not mean that being a Twit does not cause shorter relationships, just that Twits tend to have shorter relationships.
Data from 21,315 OKCupid users, aged between the ages of 18 and 24, was used to determine that there is a two-to-one chance that a frequent Twitter user masturbated on any given day.
It does not mean that if you use Twitter you end up wanting to masturbate. It just means that if you are the type who uses the social notworking site you are more likely to admit it in an online poll.
So basically Twitter users are tossers who can't hold down a relationship. Nothing you did not already know.
And the obvious mute-tation is the predilection for the phalangial fixated fingerlings of Tweetopia.
Who would have thunk it in all these years since Darwin, that these twitizen apes, unlike us, still crucially depend on their hands (specifically knuckling and the prehensile thumb) for talking? I bet you thought it was walking. Walking may have been a byproduct of busy hands but not vice versa.
But here with these aforementioned monkeyshines, their hands have ceased to take the necessary steps to insure procreation, but nonetheless, a new genus of pediphiles emerges. It shall be interesting to see if this is an unnatural selection, but with this low-brow lot, what the hey?