Thank heavens we have the right people in power to focus on the issues that really matter. Bowing to pressure from a rag-tag group of angry mums, the Mothers' Union, the Conservative party has unveiled plans to block pornography from the web.
David Cameron, who we assume has a private subscription to Jugggz and gets his kicks the old fashioned way, today announced a deal with BT, Sky, TalkTalk and Virgin to block pornography from appearing online. At least, by default.
Teenage boys will have to phone up their service providers and convince them they're their dads to opt-in for online jazz-mags. Otherwise they will have to, well, use their iPhones.
The Guardian reports Cameron saying earlier this year: "W should not try and wrap children up in cotton wool or simply throw our hands up and accept the world as it is. Instead we should look to put the brakes on an unthinking drift towards ever-greater commercialisation and sexualisation."
Cameron has also given the go-ahead on a project which seeks to stick all the angry parents in one place. Parentport will encourage aghast mums and dads to write letters about offensive stuff on the telly, online or elsewhere that they don't want their nippers to see.
The censorship platform will entail an all-star cast of the watchdogs that are left, including the Advertising Standards Authority, BBFC, BBC Trust, Press Complaints Commission and Ofcom.
And in the end, isn't that what Great Britain needs? When they're done running their schools in their spare time, parents of all races can unite in a melting pot of shared rage about soap adverts where you can almost see a woman's nipple.
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same with the P2P downloading thing, they were on about blocking that, and it didnt work.
Oh! But he was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Cameron! a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous eld singer! Hard and sharp as flint, from which no steel had ever struck without generous fire; secret, and self-contained, smug as a bung, and solitary as an oyster in the belief it should not be hacked.
Huffing and puffing on every idiot who goes about with "Jizz Mags'' on his lips, PC or touchtips; and that he shalt be boiled in his own pudding, and buried with a condom-clad stake through his {er} heart. He should! On the road to Perversion, but chucked to Perdition.
Meanstwillie the poor and destitute, who are without such creature comforts are who suffer greatly at the present time. Many thousands are in want of common necessaries; hundreds of thousands are in want of common comforts. It is a basic human right to have access to a comely uncensored internet. But lo! What Idol hast displaced you mothers? If not Gams and Melons for prurient tastes, then turkeys, geese, game, poultry, brawn, great joints of meat, sucking-pigs, long wreaths of sausages, mince-pies, plum-puddings, barrels of oysters, red-hot chesnuts, cherry-cheeked apples, juicy oranges, luscious pears, immense twelfth-cakes, and seething bowls of punch brimming with kipper from Old Stag do and shall be Fit for the butcher's dog!
Bring back the wholesome suits of their youths she says -- artful witches, and well they knew it -- You should too; it is a ponderous chain for your balls! where vain man in flaunting his little briefs authority has made fast thy door and barred the Spirit at your elbow, Sunshine.