1 And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour, for the LORD fancied a nice cuppa and a few snacks. 2 And I saw the seven angels which stood before God; and to them were given seven tablets. One carried the tablet of Apple, the other the Tablet of Android and lo there were tablets of Windows, Ubuntu and mysterious tablets with Chinese symbols on them. 3 And another angel came and stood at the altar, having a golden censer; and there was given unto him much censorship that he would censor tablet users until they became mindless drones who did nothing but by products with an Apple logo. 4 And the smoke that came from the tablet did smelleth like burnt plastic but was considered a feature and all part of the genius of the Angel. 5 ¶ And the seven angels which had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. Mighty press releases were writing unto the four quarters of the earth, even unto Rome where no-one was going to CES. 6 ¶ The first angel sounded, and there followed hail and fire mingled with blood. The air was shattered by the wail of Coldplay as the glass cracked and shattered into a million pieces. Yet the press did say that this Angel was a genius and the other tablets were pointless. 7 ¶ And the second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain screamed “developers, developers” in a loud voice. But lo this angel held a tablet yet it could not be seen. He spaketh from the tablet, as if he were reading from it, but none ever saw this Tablet. 8 And the third part of the creatures which were in the sea, and had life, died; and the third part of the ships were destroyed. 9 ¶ And the third angel sounded, and there fell a great star from heaven. It was seen as a great hope unto the world for it poured forth open sauce and fed many. Yet those that tasted of the third tablet found that it took all their personal details and sold it to advertisers, yeah even unto the pictures of their houses. 10 Many men died of the third tablet because they were made bitter. 11 ¶ And the fourth angel sounded, and a third of the sun was smitten and the rest was sold unto the Oracle. And there came forth a bearded man who claimed that 2011 was to be the year of Linux onto the tablet. And the world did mock him and he slunk away unto the mountains to knit unto his own yoghurt. 12 ¶ And I beheld, and heard an angel flying through the midst of heaven, saying with a loud voice, Woe, woe, woe, to the inhabiters of the earth by reason of the other voices of the Tablets of the three angels, which are yet to sound! 13 For the LORD has decreed that these tablets are but keyboardless netbooks which can be likened unto a chocolate teapot which are no use unto him or MAN.