5000 World Cup iPods to be melted down -

England's World Cup performance was so dismal that no one wanted to touch more than 5000 gold plated commemorative iPods which were made for the occasion.

The iPods were part of a deal that Frank Lampard signed with Dragons' Den firm Goldgenie to launch the 24-carat iPod Touch.

Each of the iPods cost £599 which, even for Apple gear, is reassuringly expensive.

According to the Currant Bun, the English performance was so bad, that the nation wants to forget all about the World Cup fiasco. Just to remind everyone: 4-1 versus Germany and a draw against the United States who call the game soccer.

But all is not lost, at least for Goldgenie. It plans to salvage the gold from all the remaining iPods, which feature Lampard's laser-etched signature on the back.

The cunning plan is to make them into Hello Kitty iPods instead. It is a sad day for English football when a Japanese cat without a mouth is seen as being more marketable than an English footballer. Rumours of a fling between Ashley Cole and Miffy the Rabbit are unsubstantiated and completely made up.

Lampard is currently dating GMTV host Christine Bleakley because he likes an intellectual challenge.

A spokesman for Lampard said he was disappointed they had not done well. All the cash made on them was supposed to go to the Teenage Cancer Trust of which he's a patron.

A Goldgenie spokesman said the company may have over-ordered due to World Cup hopes, but that's no reflection on Frank's popularity.

No, it is just an expression of England's revenge on the overpaid tossers it made into gods on the bases of their ability to kick a ball in the somewhat vain hope that it would restore its national glory.

Still, England is Europe's leader in obesity and teenage pregnancies so at least it's the best in Europe at something.